Ramblings on a theory of justification

I was texting my friend earlier this afternoon and I wrote, "I can't wait to get off this campus and never come back." It was the first time I had truly acknowledge my hatred of OSU. And at the time, it seemed justified. The things I hate about it are the core values that seem to be in mainstream middle to upper-class "American" culture: consumption and size (bigger IS better). The more I thought upon these two things, the more my thoughts snowballed into a "I hate this too...and that...and screw THEM!" The following are an expansion of the reasons of my dislike for OSU and the sequence of thoughts that ensued:

Consumption: Everyone here is branded, myself included (I do pay tuition like the next person). We pay to wear OSU apparel (and are thus branded) and we consume more and more (new shirts for the games, anyone?) We need our coffee daily in to-go cups and little, plastic to-go containers for the meals we buy from the university cafeterias. We need gas, water, and electricity to maintain not only the buildings but also the green spaces on the Campus. We need more computers, more parking spaces, more seats in the stadium*, more food, more paper, more, more, more.
*I put my dislike for the football team under this section because the culture of consumption that surrounds it (like the aforementioned apparel), energy for the stadium, etc...really does fit into this category. One could counter that the culture of machismo should stand on its own- but I really think that the number of people who burn couches or riot after games is relatively small to the number of people that enjoy football as a whole. And I was tempted to say that there seems to be homophobia present within football culture due to football, but once I began to reflect on this opinion, I decided that football itself may be conducive to transmitting homophobia but it is not responsible for it. Homophobia is rampant in all facets of American culture, especially in male-male platonic relationships. It looks more apparent in football culture because of the high concentration of males that enjoy football...and because it is a sport that requires domininance and the display of heteronormative "masculinity;" traits that are unfortunately seen to be the exact reverse of what one might consider a heteronormative woman or gay male to have. In this case, the chicken (homophobia) came before the egg (football/sports).

Size: To begin with, I dislike the campus size because, if I'm going to walk somewhere- I want it to be somewhere I want to walk, not have to walk. The number of students at the university also puts a strain on the resources the university has in place to help said students. I dislike the student financial aid/help structure- true, it is similar to many other universities, but for the size of the university, the financial aid department needs to be much, much larger (and more efficient); happier students equals better alumni donors (for those at OSU who are worried about money), I would suspect...and also means less paperwork and fixing of errors in the end.

Ultimately, I couldn't help but to feel that the relative size of this campus and resources used is like the châteaux in Europe: we don't need to use all this stuff, this space, these resources. We don't. If we didn't have them, we would be fine. The "sprawling lawns" or high ceilings in the Union or the glass windows in the library displaying the stacks are not like penicillin- we wouldn't die without them.

The more I thought, the more I then wondered how I am cuplable of the exact same things. I've heard several times from wise(ish) people that sometimes what you dislike in something or someone, is the exact same qulaity or fault you dislike in yourself. And while I would normally counter that with the statement that most things I dislike in others are things I find obnoxious and disrespectful (things that should come as a no-brainer for any member of the human race-excluding sociopaths) I consume coffee and don't always use a thermos or mug. I use to-go boxes. I drive when I should walk. I've studied in the library between classes). I justify it with "well, I am careful about waste most of the time" or "I don't normally have a car so using this one now isn't that bad" or "the library is the most convenient place for me to go between classes," but at what point does that justification became an absolution and then a valid reason for why you do the things you do? I dislike OSU but I am giving them my money through loans (which I will be paying back for the next couple of years at least), scholarships, and the generosity of my siblings and parents so in a way, while I find these "values" or ways of campus administration disgusting, I am partly guilty because while I didn't set up the systems in place, I am doing no real work at this point to change the aforementioned things. I dislike football, but it is a free country and people should have a right to enjoy anything (within the limits of law and with every participating persons' full consent, i.e. No Girls Gone Wild) that they see fit. If someone has a job they hate, the last thing I want to do is forbid them from enjoying a game of football on the weekends. While I think the sport is boring and generally chauvinistic, who am I to be the moral authority on football for the next person? And I think that some structures are inefficient and need to be enlarged to help students (such as SCSS) but if I'm asking for more people to staff SCSS, aren't I merely contradicting my point about size? More people equals more offices, equals more buildings needed, equals more energy used to build and maintain said buildings. Hmmm...

Now, I am of the firm belief that you can like something and hold it accountable but how do you work with something you dislike altogether yet make use of regularly? How does this look when you must work within "the system," so to speak? Does the end (my degree) justify the means (attending OSU)? I'd like to say going here and being party to all the resources used and all the inefficiency does justify the means, but sometimes, on a day like today, I'm not so sure.

Sorry

it's been awhile...

I'm just decompressing right now...I jokingly call my room the "decompression chamber" but there's a bit of truth to that. Culture shock hasn't really kicked in...well, except for having my hatred of super-fucking-markets re-affirmed (note to readers: I may swear a bit in the blog and if you don't like it then...I don't know what to tell you. Sorry to sound terse but there it is....love you!!) Ugh. So much space and so little need for the HUGE aisles. And open 24 hours?? WHY??? I am guilty of going to Giant Eagle at 3 in the morning but if the store wasn't open then, I would just deal. It's not a matter of life and death whether I get some doughnuts and soda because I'm pulling an all-nighter. I would just have to plan my schedule accordingly.

So...I miss Jerusalem. I miss the smells and colors and sounds of Jerusalem. I miss hearing the call to prayer and the sellers yelling in the market. I miss haggling with shopkeepers and seeing piles of spices. I miss THE GRAFFITI!! Holy crap, the graffiti. (I can't wait to post more pictures for y'all to see.) And then the scarves...so many in such incredible colors. I like the rain here but...I'm used to it. I grew up with it. Arid places make me feel more wild. I don't know how to explain it; it can be draining physically but I feel more alive or more...unfettered in an arid climate. It was that way with Boulder. I came back from the West with fire in my eyes-or so I felt.

I do miss Berne too. It was my favorite European city I visited. I miss the people and scenery and the river (oh my god, the Aare is THE cleanest river I have ever seen) in Berne. I think I miss Jerusalem more because...well, I want to go back but it will be more of a process than just whipping across to Berne. Maybe not, but that's how I'm feeling. Anyways, here's some poetry; I don't have pics to go along with it but c'est la vie, non?

I.
he said
remember you have someone here that loves you.
and she had
tears in her eyes
and then she cried and cried and cried
rivers that would never wash
away the ancient stones of the city.
her heart now knew
what forever
meant.


II.
when she recovered
she found
her body remembered
the good things too.

*Note: I like to write (or rather, I have to write) but I don't think I'm all that (some of the time anyhow) but I love feedback if you have any.